Motherhood. How is it that you can be surrounded by all those tiny humans, and still feel so alone?
I never really felt isolated until our third child was born. There was something about number three that made me realize how little I knew about being a mom. Changing diapers? I could do that in my sleep (and believe me, sometimes I did). Feeding them? Yeah, we had had that figured out. But the feeling that everything had suddenly become 100x harder, that no routine would work no matter what I did, the potty training regression in one child, the digestive issues of another, and a chronic health problem for myself, made life feel impossible.
The first thing to go was play dates, then our homeschool co-op was also cut because I couldn’t manage all the things. Having a social life couldn’t be a priority, I was forced to look within the walls of my own home. Now I won’t say that it was easy, but rarely does anything easy teach you something. I’m thankful for that season. Or I should say this season because I’m honestly still in the thick of it. God used that time to refine me, to show me that there is still a lot of work to be done on my heart posture, that I need Him and can do nothing apart from Him. His strength is shown in my weakness.
Making Friends As A Mom Requires Vulnerability
We can’t be perfect. It’s impossible. I definitely wasn’t a perfectionist before having children, but I could still pull off a polished look a lot more easily than I can now. I remember messaging a friend in the thick of our hard year and lamenting the fact that my floors hadn’t been mopped in…let’s just say…a very embarrassing amount of time. It’s actually still that way. I now rejoice when someone spills a cup of water at our house. It means that spot of floor will be clean for a few minutes.
Admitting that I’m failing at something is hard. I know in my head that there are others just trying to keep their heads above water too. I also know that I am supposed to “do everything as unto Christ Jesus” and must keep pressing forward by His grace and strength. As believers, we are supposed to confess our shortcomings to one another. That can be really hard as a mom. Vulnerability opens us up to other people’s judgement, but it can also allow us to receive encouragement.
Making Friends As A Mom Is A Slower Process
My friend April and I are preparing to start a podcast together. For one of our first episodes she had the wonderful idea to talk about “slow” friendship. I love this idea! Most people in our generation are used to having hundreds of “friends” on social media. You meet someone for 5 minutes and boom, you’re now “friends”. You have access to an incredible amount of information about them: their likes, dislikes, political viewpoints, pictures of their family. It gives all appearances of knowing them, without really knowing them.
Slow friendship is about getting back to cultivating purposeful, real, trust based friendships. It means showing up. It means being willing to hang around for the wonderful parts and the hard parts of life. Slow friendship requires intentional hospitality and investment of time. As moms, that can be really hard to do. You may find that some seasons don’t allow for it, but hopefully you can squeeze some in.
How Do You Find These Friends?
Okay, the hard bit. The difficult line of wanting friends, but not wanting to be out in public. Or being excited about having friendships, but the anxiety of preparing yourself to be out in the world. Being out in the world with your kids… Sometimes they seem to be feral animals that all of the sudden don’t know how to take turns or say please. We’ve all been there.
Sometimes it will take you making the initiative to find the people.
Find A Neutral Environment
You don’t have to automatically invite strangers over to your house, there are many places and ways you can meet and get to know new friends.
1.Take your kids to the local library for story hours or other activities they offer. You just may find a bosom friend by striking up a conversation.
2. Seek out a local homeschool group if you’re inclined to home educate. Even if your kids aren’t school age, a lot of groups will welcome you with open arms. Some groups are relaxed and just have play dates or field trips while others require more commitment of time and money. Find one that works for you. I’ve made some wonderful friendships through our co-op.
3. If you are a part of a church, try attending Bible studies, Women’s ministry activities, or helping out in the nursery. It helps you to meet other moms in a similar season and is a blessing to your church.
4. Mothers Of Preschoolers or MOPs is a wonderful organization that connects moms together in a supportive environment with mentors. I made some great friends in my MOPs group. You can find a group near you here.
5. If you’re a part of a facebook group that focuses on people in your area (such as “Crunchy Moms of Insertyourtownhere”) or any group where you have something in common with members and feel safe to do so: ask if anyone would be interested in starting a walking club with you. Meet up at a local park with your kids and strollers in tow, and just walk and talk.
Make Time For Hospitality
I used to shy away from hosting play dates at my home because it is so small. Even though I have more people in my house than before, I’ve really worked to overcome the thought that my house is too small to host. Now, I can’t invite people to stay overnight or anything, but I can ask my friends over for lunch or tea. I laugh when I explain the exact way you have to open the bathroom door so that you don’t get trapped or have to rescue people when the door sticks. Is it ideal to lock your guests in your bathroom? Well, no. But it’s a part of my life right now, and honestly, it makes for a funny story.
You don’t have to host every week or even every month. I try to host as I feel led. Most of the time people are so busy that I have to make plans with friends weeks in advance. I offer to make a simple lunch and ask if they’ll bring something for the kids to snack on later.
I’m always incredibly happy that I took the time and made the effort to host. I find that most of my friends feel the same way about their homes as I do about mine. We crave the intimacy of being allowed into our friend’s homes, but if everyone is afraid about how their house looks, or the bathroom door that sticks, we’ll never have the opportunity to foster those deep relationships. Be the one undaunted by half finished projects, small rooms, and sticky doors. If someone makes you feel small about your life, you know they aren’t the person for you.
When In Doubt, Send A Text
As I said above, finding time for getting together with people can be difficult. If you’re in a season where it’s just impossible to make time for outside activities, try to at least stay connected with friends. I would suggest to stay connected with friends outside of social media too. There’s nothing wrong with sending a friend a funny meme or commenting on their new post. However, when we give them a call, send them a text or voice message, or a note in the mail, it really makes people feel special. Taking the time to connect outside of the ease of social media takes intention.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has popped into my mind in a random moment and I’ve taken the time to text them and say they were on my mind and I hope they’re okay. And finding out that they’ve had a really hard day: it’s their birthday and everyone forgot, or someone they love has died. I’ve come to learn that the Holy Spirit uses those moments to remind me to look outside of my circumstances and remember that my friends need to know they are thought of and loved.
If you’re like me and you tend to think of someone in a moment when you can’t reach out (you’re in the shower, at a meeting, or it’s 4 am and you don’t want to risk waking them up) I like to pray over them and ask Jesus to show them His love in that moment. I also try to schedule a text if I can. I had no idea you could do that until a few years ago, and it’s amazing! Every phone is different, so if you don’t know how to do that, just give it a google.
Reconnect With Old Friends
Sometimes we have more friends than we realize, we may have just lost touch. Over the past couple of years I’ve been able to reestablish friendships with friends from my teen years. It’s interesting that age gaps and life seasons change a lot in your late 20s. I was one of the very first out of my friend group to get married and start a family. I lost touch with some of my friends who weren’t in the same season as I was. It happened naturally as we all had different priorities to focus on.
Quality Over Quantity
When I was younger, I had a rather large friend group. It was normal for me to have a much larger group of friends than I do now. As I have gotten older I have learned the value of having only one or two really close friends. I absolutely have more friends than that as well, but our friendships may be based more off of a common interest or our children being friends. I would rather have two or three really close people in my “inner circle” than ten friends that only know part of me. It’s comforting to know that I have a couple of people out in the world who know me really well and I can be 100% honest with.
Now obviously that doesn’t mean I’m fake with everyone else, but I also don’t want or need to share really deep personal struggles with every single person I call a friend. It takes wisdom and maturity to know who can be trusted to listen and share your feelings to and who are the people that you can enjoy being with, but don’t need to know all of your obstacles and shortcomings.
Making Friends Isn’t Always Easy Or Comfortable
I’m more extroverted and found it easy to make friends until I became a mom. There was a season in my life where I felt very alone. Old friends were focusing on college or had moved, and it felt like no one had time to hang out when it required being scheduled around nap times. I found that season to be harder to find friends who understood my life and circumstances.
I didn’t have a problem with putting myself out there necessarily, but it required a lot more effort than before. It was certainly uncomfortable at times. Good things don’t always come easily. Putting in the time and energy into finding and building friendships can be difficult and slow. In a fast food world, we sometimes forget that slow isn’t a bad thing.
Be encouraged mamas, you will find your people! Friendship is worth seeking, building, and making time for. I hope this has encouraged you to find your people and invest in the friends you already have.
I also want to invite you to listen to the podcast when it debuts! April and I are very excited about the content we have planned. If you want to know right away, follow us on Instagram @rootedandrefinedmamas and my personal blog account @girlfromcedarhollow
Shalom and happy friend finding!
Olivia
Leave a Reply